Don’t Feed The Animals, A Series of Satirical Musings by: Josh Lorenzo
Washington, D.C. – If the rumors are true, President Trump’s first major project after leaving office will be a return to his television roots. This time, however, there will be a political twist.
According to our sources, President Trump is currently in negotiations with Fox Studios to produce a reality television series starring the former Director of the Environmental Protection Agency, Scott Pruitt, and Secretary of the Interior, Ryan Zinke.
Based on the information we have obtained, these two distinguished politicians will be placed within an undetermined National Park, where they will face off against each other in a desperate attempt to completely devastate the scenic beauty that surrounds them. Whoever can destroy the Park first will win $500,000 and a timeshare at Trump’s first lunar colony, opening in the Spring of 2021.
Former EPA Director Pruitt, a fan of chainsaws and AK-47s, stated, “I’m absolutely thrilled to take part in this project to destroy a National Park using weapons of deadly force.” He goes on to add, “I’ve tried feverishly to destroy one with legislation these last couple of years and it’ll be good to finally get out there and get my hands dirty.” Recently being fired has given Pruitt the edge in training to obliterate a National Park.
Secretary Zinke, who favors dynamite and intercontinental ballistic missiles, seems equally up to the challenge. “Pruitt is a dear friend, but I’m quite confident that I can destroy the National Park with more efficiency and fervor than him. I’m 6’ 2” and from Montana. I cut down trees all the time. Scott’s what? 5’ 9”?”
Rather expectedly, scientists and environmentalists have expressed outrage at this environmentally destructive attempt to gain ratings.
“National Parks are a sanctuary for the American people and destroying one simply to get a television boost is an abhorrent idea,” read a recently released joint statement by the National Park Service and United Nations Environment Program.
Pruitt seemed unconcerned by the backlash. “It’s not like we’re destroying every National Park out there. At least not in Season 1.”
Though he was unwilling to respond to the media about the rumored project, President Trump did send out a series of angry tweets, blasting anyone who, “actually gives a damn about the environment,” and all but confirming that the project is indeed going forward.
Speculation abounds as to why President Trump would prefer to take a back seat on the project rather than being in front of the camera himself, which he always seems to enjoy, press conferences notwithstanding.
One prominent theory suggested for this is that the bone spurs that flared up and kept Trump out of the Vietnam War are flaring up again. This would also explain his overall lack of interest in physical exercise and it could potentially keep him from successfully destroying trees at the kind of pace required to garner substantial television ratings.
Yet another theory is that President Trump doesn’t know how to use a chain saw, shoot a gun, use dynamite, or launch intercontinental ballistic missiles.
While Press Secretary Sanders has declined to confirm the project, her statement in response to the question does provide some hint that it is likely to happen: “Trees are stupid. Especially the ones that Obama likes.”