Don’t Feed The Animals, A Series of Satirical Musings by: Josh Lorenzo

April 11th, 2018, Washington, D.C. – Current Speaker of the House of Representatives, and Representative of the 1st District of Wisconsin, Paul Ryan, has announced that he will not seek re-election when his current term expires.

​In a surprising turn of events, Speaker Ryan plans to rejoin the cast of the Munsters for a reunion film set to begin shooting early next year. Speaker Ryan will reprise his seminal role as the gregarious Eddie Munster.

​“The House is in much better shape after my tenure,” Ryan confidently told colleagues after announcing his decision. “No matter who the next Speaker of the House will be, they will be quite capable of facilitating the non-cooperation and partisan politics I have worked so hard to achieve.”

​Reprising the role of Eddie, the all-American boy/werewolf of the mid-1960’s television show, is truly a dream come true for the actor-turned-unmotivated politician. As the only child to Herman and Lilly Munster, Speaker Ryan was taught valuable lessons in selfishness, a lack of compassion for others, and a sense of entitlement. These traits were used quite frequently during his twenty-year tenure in the House.

​“Playing the role of an isolated and conflicted child served me quite well in the House,” Ryan said. “Not learning how to share or work out disagreements in childhood gave me the courage to stubbornly refuse to work successfully with both my political allies and the opposition.”

​This intransigence allowed Speaker Ryan to flourish in his role as leader of a House in which absolutely nothing was achieved.

​Colleagues on both sides of the aisle were aghast at the sudden announcement. Former Speaker and fervent Democrat, Nancy Pelosi, called Mr. Ryan a “good man, with fabulous hair and a tired work ethic.”

​Republican representative Kevin McCarthy was too upset to speak to members of the media.

​Republican Devin Nunes wasn’t available for comment, as he was busy leaking the retirement memo to President Trump.

​“No one will be able to duplicate his lack of a work ethic,” longtime Democratic House Member Steny Hoyer was heard saying.

​“This is a once in a lifetime chance,” said Ryan. “It will be good to get back to doing something I love and to hopefully make a difference in peoples’ lives.”

​The Munsters reunion will air on Netflix in the summer of 2019.

Josh Lorenzo is a part-time humor writer, featured in various places, such as McSweeney’s and the Washington Post. He writes a regular satirical column, Don’t Feed the Animals at Political Animal Magazine. He also has a blog at He lives is in suburban Maryland with his wife and two children.

Image:  Caricature of Paul Ryan, by Donkey Hotey