Measure Intended to Curb School Shooting Epidemic
Don’t Feed The Animals, A Series of Satirical Musings by: Josh Lorenzo
Washington, D.C. – The landmark legislation, passed strictly by the GOP along partisan lines, is intended to appease both the National Rifle Association and concerned parents. All 248 GOP members of Congress celebrated the legislation, though some were secretly expressing concern that this bill would lend credence to the Democratic claim that climate change is real, and that the rising sea level is not because rocks are falling into our oceans. Opting to fortify the NRA over the climate-change-is-a-hoax wing of the party, despite the two being wholly intertwined, the bill was celebrated by the GOP through a series of ignominious tweets.
“Thoughts and prayers definitely weren’t working, which was surprising because they always worked in the past,” said Texas Congressman Ted Cruz. “It feels good to finally take action against this blight on society.”
“The American people deserve the right to feel safe and have an opportunity to better their lives, and the best way to do that is to make sure schools never open again,” said Alabama Congressman Mo Brooks. “Kids love summer, and we love our kids. We also like guns so when you factor all of that in, this is a no-brainer. Besides, we never really have winter in Alabama anyway.”