Don’t Feed The Animals, A Series of Satirical Musings by: Josh Lorenzo
Dear Modern Republican Party,
Seven score and fourteen years ago, I went to the theater and apparently died for nothing.
A few years before my untimely demise, I warned that a house divided against itself cannot stand and then I went out declared a little something called the Civil War. You may have heard of it. That’s right, I decided to protect this house! And after the bloodiest four-year period in the history of our country, I thought that all of that sacrifice and loss of life was going to be worth it. I’d managed to preserve the union.
But it’s looking like that decision was pretty stupid.
You see, you refer to yourselves as the Party of Lincoln. Well, I am here to tell you that you are not the Party of Lincoln. I knew the Party of Lincoln, and you, ladies and gentlemen, are not it!
Do you think I would’ve jeopardized the lives of hundreds of thousands of people, including my own, over the course of a bloody four-year war, had I known the Grand Old Party would eventually be reduced to this?
Like I would’ve reared us through tremendous trials and tribulations just so you could act like petulant children a mere century and a half later. Believe me, there were plenty of nights as Commander-in-Chief when I was tempted to simply drop out of the Civil War, emancipate the tequila from mother’s liquor cabinet, and anger tweet about how putrid James Buchanan was. It would’ve been so easy to simply opt out of leading – to declare that the preservation of this union was wholly unnecessary. How easy it would’ve been to blame the other side for everything that ailed us as a nation. But no, I let the better angels of my nature dissuade me from doing that, and I tried to steer this country through its darkest time just so all of you could have a promising future.
In hindsight, perhaps I should’ve just let the South secede, maybe take Mary Todd and the kids down to the Bahamas for an extended vacation. It would’ve been a lot safer for me! A top hat full of ice-cold Coronas would’ve been a much better use of my time than visiting battlefields littered with the bodies of dead heroes, before eventually becoming a dead hero myself. Which one do you think is the better way to spend a presidency; getting killed preserving the union or relaxing on a sandy beach? Having experienced the former, I can wholeheartedly endorse the latter.
These days you identify yourselves as “The Party of Lincoln,” but I don’t really think you know anything about me. You would’ve absolutely hated all the equality I stood for. I was replete with inclusion and justice for all. So, I hereby request that you find an alternate name immediately. You are essentially defecating in the top hat of my legacy with this continued disrespect.
Don’t proclaim yourselves to be the Party of Lincoln by getting up on stage and saying something racist or xenophobic. That is not the Party of Lincoln. Call it the Party of Reagan, or the Party of Trump. You can call it anything you want. Just don’t call it the Party of Lincoln.
A very famous person once said, “After all, you cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.” Spoiler alert: it was me. I said that. It’s as true today as it was back then.
Guys, the Whig Party wasn’t even this bad. Let’s get to work on making sure I didn’t die for nothing.
Josh Lorenzo is a part-time humor writer, featured in various places, such as McSweeney’s and the Washington Post. He writes a regular satirical column, Don’t Feed the Animals at Political Animal Magazine. He also has a blog at www.theauthorofsarcasm.com He lives is in suburban Maryland with his wife and two children.