Don’t Feed The Animals, A Series of Satirical Musings by: Josh Lorenzo
April 16th, 2018, Washington D.C. – In an attempt to increase his numbers in national polls, President Trump has appointed singer Michael Bolton to be the new National Security Advisor, replacing former NSA advisor, John Bolton. John Bolton, you may recall, briefly replaced H.R. McMaster, who briefly replaced acting advisor Keith Kellogg (who had served for about a week), who replaced embattled advisor Michael Flynn, who briefly filled the role before he was forced to begrudgingly step down by President Trump.
In his introductory press conference, Mr. Bolton reassured a worried public that a powerful balladeer from the 1980s and 90s would be able to bring a sense of calm and professionalism to the position.
Jim Acosta, CNN:
Mr. Bolton, have you had a chance to speak with the outgoing advisor, the other Mr. Bolton?
Michael Bolton:
Hello, DC! I told Mr. Bolton that I could hardly believe the news today.
Are you leaving John, leaving me blue?
Sadly, so sadly, I found out that it’s true.
Jim Acosta, CNN:
Why do you take long pauses to gaze into the cameras with sensual eyes and pouty lips? Is that a singer’s trick to get people to listen to you?
Michael Bolton:
When the National Security Advisor loves a country, can’t keep his mind on nothing else
He’ll fight the whole world to keep the good thing he’s found.
Kevin Corke, FOX News:
Mr. Bolton, how did President Trump approach you for this high-profile position?
Michael Bolton:
Honestly, I have no clue. Some sort of Presidential notion.
I was out there on a metaphorical boat in the ocean.
Taking this job? I had no intention.
Standing here today is beyond all comprehension.
Kelly O’Donnell, MSNBC:
Is there any truth to the rumor that he only selected you to avoid having to spend money to replace the sign on the office door?
Michael Bolton:
The rumors of that cannot be true.
Working hard for this gig, well, that’s what I did.
Kevin Corke, FOX News:
Going from a heart throbbing, head-lining crooner from the 1980s to someone in charge of classified information, what advice would you give to young musicians looking to break into politics?
Michael Bolton:
The candle is flickering, the light may go out, but we must fight for what we love.
That’s what life is about.
Abby Phillip, CNN:
When negotiating with world leaders like Putin and Kim Jong Un, how will you keep your cool and help the President avert a global crisis?
Michael Bolton:
I’ll ask them to tell me how they feel.
Come talk to me about something real.
Abby Phillip, CNN:
Interesting. So, do you consider yourself a diplomat or more of a hard-liner on global issues?
Michael Bolton:
There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do.
That’s a promise I’m making to you.
We’ll work it out.
For that, there is no doubt.
Jonathan Karl, ABC:
Working for President Trump can be challenging, as evidenced by the upheaval in his administration. How have your previous interactions with him been?
Michael Bolton:
Several times I have tried walking out that door.
And yet there I am, always turning around, coming back for more.
Alan Fisher, Al Jazeera English:
What are your thoughts on North Korea’s nuclear ambition?
Michael Bolton:
No one ever understands the start, my friends. Just the end.
The seasons are fleeting like a cool summer wind.
Alan Fisher, Al Jazeera English:
Wait a minute, are you comparing North Korea to the summer wind?
Michael Bolton:
Everybody’s crazy when they are angry, my man.
But it’s on peace and compassion that we need to stand.
Alan Fisher, Al Jazeera English:
So, you would support the bombing of North Korea?
Michael Bolton:
With proper time you may learn to understand, that I am who I am.
I’ll do all that I can.
Kelly O’Donnell, MSNBC:
President Trump has literally gone through every other potential candidate for this position. If you leave, who’s left?
Michael Bolton:
Life is a lesson learned through hope or illusion.
If it isn’t with me, they’ll be some sort of collusion.
Ali Vitali, NBC:
Um, yeah, that makes no sense.
Michael Bolton:
Isn’t understanding the hardest part?
A hero is measured by the size of his heart.
Thank you, DC! You’ve been a great audience!
Josh Lorenzo is a part-time humor writer, featured in various places, such as McSweeney’s and the Washington Post. He writes a regular satirical column, Don’t Feed the Animals at Political Animal Magazine. He also has a blog at www.theauthorofsarcasm.com He lives is in suburban Maryland with his wife and two children.
Image: Michael Boston imagined as White House Press Secretary.
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